Dear Vonage

Dearest Vonage,

Thank you for taking upwards of 30 minutes to cancel my account on the phone today. I didn't have anything else I needed to do, so it was a great time killer. It's so refreshing to be called "Ma'am" rather than the usual "Sir." The way your company trains CSRs to reassure me every 20 seconds that they are "pulling up my records" is spot on. I just like hearing it again and again while I wait for them to click a button.

I also want to thank you for pointing out Section 8.6 in your terms of service that covers the $39.99 cancellation fee. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have known how we got to a total of $92.84 just for turning off my service. I'm not great at math, so that helped me out a lot.

Previously, I thought you were just taking back my rebate from opening an account with you, but that additional kill fee that you charge every customer made the math work. I was getting worried about my skillz.

I'm sorry I didn't take your offer of two free months of service just to keep me as a customer. I know I explained that in the new area I'm living in I won't be able to use Vonage, but that's okay, I understand that calls coming in to Vonage are probably all crackly, too.

If my math skills weren't so poor, I would have figured out that instead of offering me two free months of something I can't use, you could have used the same money to discount my disconnection fees. If you had, I probably would have told people what a great company you've got there. But since you've got such great, low-priced deals online, you probably don't need the extra publicity.

I'm so sorry to have to close my account. I'm going to miss clients asking me if I'm in a car traveling down the highway while I talk on my Vonage phone. Now that I have AT&T and an iPhone, it's going to suck not having that extra bit of conversation about the bad call quality.

Thanks again for three wonderful months of basking in your presence, Vonage. And... no need to thank me for all the extra cash. I know you need it right now.

Regards,

Customer #4,345,675

Posted by email from Sparky Firepants's posterous